So I've been worrying about a few things recently. Mainly small, but grating, permanent things. Ultimately insignificant, but disturbing none the less. Things that are gonna stay with me forever. Been trying to get over them, cos ultimately, things are only significant/painful if you allow them to be.
I've also been watching "Broadchurch", ITV. It's one of those who-dunnits about an 11-year-old boy in a small Dorset town. It was good (despite being ITV). At the end, they hold a funeral for the boy.
There is a church service, in which the priest quotes Ephesians, "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you". Earlier, a man with a very painful past had said on the beach on which the dead boy was found, surrounded by huge cliffs (very similar to the "Seven Pillars of Wisdom"), "God will put you in the right place in the end". Later, after the funeral, the family and community had gathered on these cliffs and lit huge torches, and up across the whole coastline, other communities joined in solidarity. The mother "saw" her dead son standing before the cliff.
As I was watching this, I had my (blind) cat purring on my lap, and these images and words roused in me this sense of acceptance and peace over my "things". I'm not a hugely religious person - much of me wishes I were, but lo! I am of scientific soul by blood - but I try to believe in a God, because I would like to think that the world isn't as lonely as it sometimes can feel. I find it so easy to brush through each day without a true thought towards our relationships with people around us, and the context of our existence. It is like when you see an old man, back hunched, unable to look up, only able to stare at the ground as he walks around. When was the last time he saw the sky? He would be incapable of lying down in a field. To what extent is he conscious of this lack of sky? Does he angle himself so that he can catch the reflection of clouds and sun in the windows of buses and trains? What is it like to feel rain on your back, and not be able to see where it's coming from? I suppose that's a bit like what it is like living in a world with no proof of God. One must have faith that there are clouds above.
But "Broadchurch" did give me a sense of hope that there is a context. That in time, I will be "Put in the right place", provided I do what I see as righteous. I think this is true regardless of God, as if you do what you think is right, you shall be spared guilt and feel strong in your cranny in the world. But I do like the idea of an angel (especially if they are the original meaning: not furry birds, but ancient warriors of the afterlife) somewhere nearby. I'd had a revelation recently in a mock exam: an image came to me, of myself standing in a forest, by a hut, alone. The realisation that, despite family and friends, one is always ultimately alone, as one looks out for oneself better than anyone else ever can. We all have goals. See divorces, abuse and murder. As "Broadchurch" tries to remind us: you can never truly know someone. And, as I believe, you can never truly know yourself: ultimately, we may in fact just be vessels for bacteria anyway! Why bother with goals!
But with a God or angels, you're not alone.
I've also been thinking about death a bit. Sitting their with my cat in my arms (staring into his fragile ears), at that present moment, it was just wonderful to revel in the feeling of not having lost something yet, that one day, I will lose.
We must remember to always appreciate and love the moments we share with people, because one day, we are going to lose each other.
Peace and love, faithful readers.
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