Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the emotional depth and
significance of music (esp. see Mahler. Always see Mahler.) and stories and poetry with the mundane life, full of
faults and boredom.
It’s so
easy to be over-romantic about it all – that imperfections are what make things
so brilliant and all that jazz – but really, as much as that’s true, it doesn’t
make anything more fulfilling (although yes, perfection would presumably be
unfulfilling too).
Lydia gave me a wish bracelet, with sea-glass on it and it’s
given me a lot of thoughts. When the bracelet falls off, your wish comes true.
And so I’ve been thinking about wishes. Again, trying to reconcile the
romantic, huge efforts (“an end to war!” which in itself I find difficult. Is
an end to war actually a good thing?) to the mundane (“good results in exams!”
which I’ve deeply been trying to purge from my head because ew). Into the Woods
has great wishes – “go to the festival”, “want a child”, “she would go with
you” etc. These are all specific and mundane and yet grand and romantic.
I can go for the big dreams “hope that I’ll end up in a
forest with a good dude”, but the bracelet will fall off before I’m 40! I think
that’s what’s great about the bracelet: it forces you to think about what you want
in the next few months. Makes you think about immediate dreams. I don’t really
have many immediate dreams (that are achievable anyway… Ahab….)
I love the sea glass so much. Keep on thinking about how it
was once something mundane (and repulsive) and yet that wonderful physical
feeling of a glass bottle! That it’s spent years in the depths of a cold,
anonymous sea – connected to all the places I want to be in the world. Just
letting things (violence) happen to it, at the mercy of nature. Sounds totally
unreal. Like that Catullus,
“And there you are – on heat and tossed
so
differently, just like
a baby boat in a big sea
caught
by a roaring storm-wind.”
So here, for now. Wishes huh? It can’t be vague, otherwise
I’ll never have truly fulfilled it.
I caught sight of that book, “Twenty Guiding Principle of
Karate” and it made me think of that brilliant quote that my dad told me from
his karate magazine: “youth is wasted on the young, wisdom is wasted on the
old”. And, I think, my wish will be that I find the strength (actively) to use
my youth to become what I want to become. I’m thinking, motivation to be kinder
and more generous, and better with people. More tolerant and enthusiastic. I
want to appreciate people without it being an active effort. More carefree and
openly loving. More like Lyds I suppose. Less secretive. Less ashamed. Exercise
more. I think that if I can find that, it’ll be the most sustainable gift
around. I suppose it’s hard to measure… But I guess it’ll become obvious
eventually.
Action points: less computer. More writing. More going out.
More night time going out. Running. More dog walks. More double bass. Nicer and
more interested in people at school.
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