Ahab and of course rats

Remind me to, at some point, tell you about my lovely lovely Ahab and why it's so totally awful. I can't now because I'm seeing them tomorrow and it's apparently late (in relation to when I have to peel myself out of my bed tomorrow, at least).

But for the mean time, so you know what I'm feeling, trying giving this stuff a listen:

Piazzola's Kicho (especially the slow movement. The fast sections portray the angst though I suppose)

Mahler's 4th symphony, movement 4 (this is just a general feeling towards everything. But especially Ahab.)

Wishes, Longing, the Princes’ “Agony” and of course rats

Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the emotional depth and significance of music (esp. see Mahler. Always see Mahler.) and stories and poetry with the mundane life, full of faults and boredom.

                It’s so easy to be over-romantic about it all – that imperfections are what make things so brilliant and all that jazz – but really, as much as that’s true, it doesn’t make anything more fulfilling (although yes, perfection would presumably be unfulfilling too).

Lydia gave me a wish bracelet, with sea-glass on it and it’s given me a lot of thoughts. When the bracelet falls off, your wish comes true. And so I’ve been thinking about wishes. Again, trying to reconcile the romantic, huge efforts (“an end to war!” which in itself I find difficult. Is an end to war actually a good thing?) to the mundane (“good results in exams!” which I’ve deeply been trying to purge from my head because ew). Into the Woods has great wishes – “go to the festival”, “want a child”, “she would go with you” etc. These are all specific and mundane and yet grand and romantic.

I can go for the big dreams “hope that I’ll end up in a forest with a good dude”, but the bracelet will fall off before I’m 40! I think that’s what’s great about the bracelet: it forces you to think about what you want in the next few months. Makes you think about immediate dreams. I don’t really have many immediate dreams (that are achievable anyway… Ahab….)

I love the sea glass so much. Keep on thinking about how it was once something mundane (and repulsive) and yet that wonderful physical feeling of a glass bottle! That it’s spent years in the depths of a cold, anonymous sea – connected to all the places I want to be in the world. Just letting things (violence) happen to it, at the mercy of nature. Sounds totally unreal. Like that Catullus,

 “And there you are – on heat and tossed

                                                so differently, just like

   a baby boat in a big sea

                                                                caught by a roaring storm-wind.”

So here, for now. Wishes huh? It can’t be vague, otherwise I’ll never have truly fulfilled it.

I caught sight of that book, “Twenty Guiding Principle of Karate” and it made me think of that brilliant quote that my dad told me from his karate magazine: “youth is wasted on the young, wisdom is wasted on the old”. And, I think, my wish will be that I find the strength (actively) to use my youth to become what I want to become. I’m thinking, motivation to be kinder and more generous, and better with people. More tolerant and enthusiastic. I want to appreciate people without it being an active effort. More carefree and openly loving. More like Lyds I suppose. Less secretive. Less ashamed. Exercise more. I think that if I can find that, it’ll be the most sustainable gift around. I suppose it’s hard to measure… But I guess it’ll become obvious eventually.

Action points: less computer. More writing. More going out. More night time going out. Running. More dog walks. More double bass. Nicer and more interested in people at school.